


Here be Dragons:  Tales of the Homunculi

by Violetlight (Violetlight83)



Series: FMA: Code Eris [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Fem!Envy, Ficlet Collection, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22365715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violetlight83/pseuds/Violetlight
Summary: Short stories of seven deadly siblings defined by their desires
Relationships: Envy/Greed (Fullmetal Alchemist), Lust/Pride (Selim Bradley)
Series: FMA: Code Eris [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1591180
Kudos: 13





	1. Second Chances

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, in any of its incarnations. That pleasure belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. I am borrowing her universe and characters for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Author's Note: This collection of short oneshots used to be known as "Knight and Dragon: Themes of Greed and Envy" and focused on my OTP, but I thought it would be nice to expand the collection to include their brothers and sister as well, especially since I've recently adopted Lust x Pride as my beta couple. Some stories may have nothing to do with shipping too. Even so many years after I first started writing in this fandom, I'm still fascinated by the homunculi. I can't help but feel sympathy for them, love writing such inhuman, amoral characters, and just plain find them fun. So, this former "theme" collection has "shapeshifted", I hope, for the better.
> 
> Like its previous incarnation, most of these stories will fit into my "Wheels Within Wheels" personal fanon, though some may not. If I don't outright say otherwise, assume that they are in fanon with the rest of my FMA stories in the "Code: Eris" collection – so Brotherhood universe, Envy fakes its suicide, and had a past relationship with Greed about 100 years before the series. No yaoi, since that's just not my thing (fem!Envy), and some stories may have suggestions of sexual content, but nothing explicit. (anything explicit I leave for my oneshots)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Indulge yourself in sin!
> 
> ****
> 
> This particular ficlet takes place during Episode 28, "Father", of FMA:B, or Chapter 54 of the manga.

**Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood**

**“Here be Dragons: Tales of the Homunculi”**

By Violetlight

********************************************************************************************************************************************

**"Second Chances"**

“He’s going to make a new homunculus,” as Envy confirmed what even somebody of the Pipsqueak’s dubious intelligence should have known, it couldn’t help but chuckle inwardly at the look on the Elric Brothers’ faces, as they struggled futilely beneath its claws -- yes, even the Tin Can’s. He was not as void of emotion as he might have seemed to those without a shapeshifter’s eyes for detail. It was almost worth the trouble they had been; almost worth Father paying more attention to _them_ , when Envy – Father’s own child! – had been the one lying on the floor, shaken from its trip through the Gate ...

Almost. 

Still, it was feeling rather good, all things considered, having tricked the Pipsqueak into getting it out of the hell that was Gluttony’s stomach. It might as well humour the humans a little more; see what other faces they would make. 

“The stone is added into the bloodstream. If it is able to merge, then a human-based homunculus is created,” Envy continued. “But it’s more common for the stone to overpower the subject and kill them.” 

That little fact certainly pissed the Pipsqueak off! He started yelling something; Envy didn’t pay too much attention as to what. It was probably just some random crap about friendship or other such human garbage. Even when Edward held a gun (where had he got that from, and why was he bringing it out _now_? Stupid human …) to its soul-covered flank, all Envy could do was taunt, only half paying attention, “Can you really shoot such a sad face? Can you boy?” 

No, what held Envy’s attention was the Stone that Father now held over that annoying Xingese brat. What surprised Envy was said brat’s reaction: He actually _smiled_! “Don’t’ shoot, Ed. This is exactly what I want, so you just stay out of it!” It was a wicked, avaricious smile, so out of place on a human … almost like …

 _Don’t be an idiot, Envy! Don’t get your hopes up. There’s no way that Father would bring_ him _back, not after what he did._ The humans continued yelling a few other things back and forth; their words might as well be sewer rats squeaking, for all Envy cared. 

Father, however, seemed to think differently, much to Envy’s unspoken annoyance. “Well, this is new, but we’ll see if your body is as willing as your mind,” with those calm word, Father dropped the Stone into that convenient little cut on the brat’s face.

As Gluttony moved back from where he had been pinning the brat down, obviously disappointed for having missed a potential meal, Envy watched the Xingese brat -- what was his name? Ding? Ping? It didn’t matter now – writhe on the floor, still somehow having a somewhat-coherent screaming match with the Pipsqueak as red alchemical sparks crackled around him. Envy, in contrast (and rather uncharacteristically), stayed silent, lost in thought. What would its new sibling be?

_Father said there would only be seven of us –Wrath was the last. I know why he’d make another now, but how, exactly? He doesn’t have any “sins” left to purge, and I would have thought he’d need all the energy he has left, with the Promised Day so close …_

_Lust! That’s it! He must be bringing Lust back!_ Envy shifted on its haunches, startling itself with the thought, though it was careful not to loosen its grip on the Elrics. _Wrath must have found a piece of her Stone – I knew she wasn’t gone for good! That jerk, making me and Glut think she was dea … she wasn’t coming back. That’s impossible, after all. We’re homunculi …_

_Gluttony’s going to be so happy, he’ll probably cling onto her leg for a month! Wait … if that brat’s going to be Lust’s new host, then that means Lust will be a guy. Huh. That’s going to be weird. Well, at least I’ll get to be the girl for a change. Hey, maybe Lust will like being a guy. It’s not that big a deal, and she was a little curious a couple of times as to what it was like …_

Envy cut off its inner dialogue, as the brat –- no, its reborn sibling –- stopped crackling and got up. Before Father could offer his customary welcome to his not-quite-new child, as Envy assumed he would, having witnessed it three times before, the Pipsqueak cut him off.

“Ling?” he asked. Envy had to scoff at his idiocy. What a deluded fool, to think his “friend” was still in there.

“What?” Envy’s sibling – brother – got up and rubbed the back of his head, “ah, you mean the guy I took this body from?”

_That voice … that’s way too deep to be Lust, even as a guy! No … it couldn’t be … could it?_

Her brother smiled, a dark, familiar, confident grin that Envy had thought for sure she would never see again. Her breath caught in her throat, as the bandages fell away from his hand, revealing an equally-familiar Ouroboros. 

“Sorry, but your friend just checked out, and left Greed this body!”

_Greed? Greed! Yes yes yes yes YES!_


	2. "Spite"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Envy figures out a secret that Pride has been keeping, even from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I first came up with this ficlet as a "sequel", of sorts, of "Wheels Within Wheels" Chapter 7: Serpent's Shadow. I wanted to experiment with the first person view, and shifting perspectives, but the ideas proposed wouldn't leave my mind, and directly inspired my oneshot, "Bad Romance", my return to the FMA fandom after 7 years, and led into my adoption of Lust/Pride as my FMA beta couple. Go check out "Bad Romance" if you like what "Spite" implies!

**Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood**

**“Here be Dragons: Tales of the Homunculi”**

By Violetlight

********************************************************************************************************

**"Spite"**

_I can’t believe you’d be this disrespectful! You’re going completely against Father’s Plan! I expected it from **him** , but not from you, Envy! I taught you better than that!_

Ugh, why can’t I get that little Prick’s voice out of my head, especially when _he_ isn’t the prick I’m interested in right now? 

_Greed and Lust were made for each other – like two halves of the same homunculus, rather than individual wholes ..._

Yeah, well one “half” seems to have other ideas – that isn’t his Ultimate Shield I’m feeling against me!

_You and I aren’t trapped by our lesser siblings’ needs for ... companionship. We’re the true expressions of Father’s power! Isn’t that better than some silly emotions or disgusting acts?_

_Define ‘disgusting’._ Ah, the look on his face, so shocked, so twisted ... well, not as ‘twisted’ as Greed’s is right now, but still! I’ll have to remember that one!

_Hey Pride, remember when we first played ‘spy on the siblings’, and you gave that little lecture about just why they were doing it? You know what I was thinking then, while you were busy listening to the sound of your own voice? I was thinking, “that looks fun – I want to try!”_

Pride then gave that look I especially hate, that head-shaking, condescending look, made all the worse from coming from some 10-year old brat. _You’re supposed to be better than that, Envy. All your power, and you waste it on jealousy ..._

_At least I’m not too proud to admit **my** sin. And, come to think of it, I got off easy. I’m not the one stuck in the body of some prepubescent pest ... always watching the two of them ... the constant reminder ..._

_What are you talking about?_ He seemed calm, but his flailing shadows, as always, gave him away. Really Pride, you honestly think you can fool me? 

_You think I don't know jealousy when I see it? The way you glare at Greed ... how whenever he’s casual, like when he calls Father ‘Pops’, that little twitch appears in the corner of your eye ..._

_It does not!_

_How you’re always going out of your way to bitch at him, to police him more than me and Lust and Sloth and Gluttony put together!_

_Shut up, Envy!_

_Cuz he’s a walking reminder of **your** failure. **You** couldn’t help Lust deal with her Sin, so Father had to make **him**. _

_I’m ... it’s not ..._ It’s so funny when he stutters! _You weren’t there! You don’t know! Besides ..._ ah, here come the self-delusions! _Father made Lust and Greed to be together, he had other Plans for me, and, strangely enough, for you too. You should know that! You ... carrying on with ...with him! It goes against Father’s Plan!_

_I seriously doubt creating a 50-million soul Philosopher’s Stone has fuck all to do with whoever any of us screw._

_That’s beside the point!_

_Is it? Go ask Father then. I’ll wait here for the pieces of you to come flying out for ‘wasting my time with such trivial matters’_ I used Father’s voice there – probably shouldn’t have, but how could I resist?

_Envy ..._ He practically whispered my name there, and his shadows were nowhere in sight. Yeah, he was pissed. Seriously pissed, like shove-his-shadows-through-my-eyes pissed. It’s not often I can wind Pride up that badly. There’s a science to it, an art to peeling away those layers of arrogance and self-righteousness, to seeing the fuming monster lurking inside Daddy’s Precious Little Perfect Prick. 

_No, no Pride, don’t mind me. Go ahead._ I then took the form of our dear sister. _I’ll kiss you better._

Every cut, every slash, every moment of regeneration after ... it was worth it just to see him squirm! Whatever Father might have “intended” (and I really don’t think he gives a damn), Greed is mine now! And there’s nothing, _nothing_ that Pride can do about it!

I can’t help but grin. Greed notices, and thinks – of course -- it’s because of what _he’s_ doing. Meh, whatever. As long as he keeps – ah yeah! – doing _that_ \-- he can think whatever he wants.


	3. "Survival"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brotherhood AU: What would have happened if Greedling had found Envy, right before its suicide?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Brotherhood AU. This theme doesn't fit into my personal canon (if you've read even the first chapter of "Wheels Within Wheels", you'll know why), but I wanted to try writing something cute and fluffy for a change, so here we go. Enjoy!

**Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood**

**Here be Dragons: Tales of the Homunculi**

by Violetlight

**************************************************************************************************************************

**"Survival"**

_Dragon’s Pulse, what a mess!_

_Yeah, you said it kid,_ Greed agreed with the voice in his head. The last few hallways before he had caught up to Edward and the others had been … interesting, to say the least. First a room full of charred mannequin soldiers, then this labyrinth of tunnels, all reeking of burning flesh, _that Flame Alchemist guy’s really been going to town._

_I wonder what pissed him off so badly?_ Ling thought.

_Looks like we’re about to find out._ Greed rounded the corner, to find the four humans he had been tracking standing still, a little further down the tunnel. Yeah, it was definitely them – only Ed would wear such a tacky jacket. Edward and Scar’s backs were turned to him, with Mustang’s cute little bodyguard – Hawkeye, was it? -- aiming a gun at his head, from behind where Mustang stood in front of a line of alchemical spikes in the floor. Greed raised an eyebrow at the confrontation and moved to take a step back. There were very, _very_ few things that he did not want, but getting involved in other people’s messes certainly fell into that category. That was, until he noticed that Edward was holding onto something … 

Something that was _his_.

_Wha …what is **that?**_ Ling asked. 

Greed inwardly chucked. _I asked that same question, a long time ago._ Wait, did Hawkeye just say something about “executing him”? 

Now that just won’t do, not at all. 

“Pretty speeches, you practicing for your future Fürhership?” Greed interrupted as he stepped out of the shadows. 

“Greed?” Ed turned around to face him, as the little green monster clutched in his automail fist gasped. Greed smirked. He never thought he would render _her_ speechless, but, hey, nothing is impossible. 

“Stay out of this, homunculus,” Mustang growled. 

“Sorry, no can do. You see, what you four are so casually discussing killing belongs to me, and I don’t like people messing with my stuff.” Greed’s casual tone darkened, as he slid his Ultimate Shield up over his hand, just to get it through the humans’ thick skulls that he meant business. “Hand her over, Ed.” 

“Her?” Ed looked down at his hand in surprise. “You mean, that girl you were going on about back in Risenbool was …?”

“Yeah. Now hand. Her. Over.” Greed repeated. 

“Don’t do it, Fullmetal,” it looked like Mustang was going to be stubborn. “If you think I’m going to let that little murderer get off scott free just because your monster friend says so, you have another thing coming.” 

“Monster? Ha! Typical human. Have you been listening to anything that’s been said for the last five minutes? Go ahead Mustang, stand there and tell me that hundreds of Ishvalans weren’t barbequed just like those mannequin soldiers back there. Then there’s you, Hawkeye, how’d you get that name again? By blowing people’s heads off at 500 meters? And his reputation speaks for itself.” Envy pointed one little green finger at Scar. “The Pipsqueak’s the only one here whose hands _might_ be clean. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Your own hypocrisy doesn’t matter. It never has … not when dealing with us …"

Greed sighed. “You never know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, ‘Vee?”

At her brother’s words, Envy remembered the state she was in, and tried to hide in Ed’s fist. “I … I don’t want you to see me like this.” 

Greed knelt down, his face level with Ed’s hand. “You were born this way, my little monster. Remember? I called you an ‘ugly little thing’ and you bit my finger off.”

“You …” Envy slowly poked her head up, her eyes widening. “You remember …?”

Greed smiled, and held out his hand. “I remember _everything_.”

Envy hung her head, refusing to look at him and for a minute, she actually had Greed worried that she would not go with him, that her damn stubbornness would hold her back. _Come on, ‘Vee, I’ve waited a hundred years for you. Don’t do this to me again!_

He let out the breath he had not realized he had been holding, as those huge eyes turned towards him, filled with tears, “Oh Greed!” Envy jumped out of Edward’s hand. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I shoulda left! I shoulda found you!” she wailed, and snuggled close against her lover’s chest. 

“It’s okay ‘Vee, it’s okay,” Greed just held her close, like he had wanted to for so long. Well, it wasn’t exactly the way he had pictured – he had kind of hoped she would have had lips (among other body parts) when they were reunited – but it was close enough, for now. 

“Um … uh, yeah …” Ed, clearly uncomfortable, backed a few steps away from the homunculi. “Shouldn’t we be tracking down that Father of yours?”

“Yeah, the kid was just reminding me of the same thing.” Greed said, as Envy crawled up onto his shoulder. “You guys go on ahead. We’ll catch up, after I get ‘Vee some ‘lunch’. You didn’t fry all the mannequins, did you?” 

“Some escaped upwards, towards the surface,” Scar said. When Mustang opened his mouth to say something, Scar continued, cutting him off. “We’ve wasted enough time here.”

Mustang cursed under his breath, and half raised his hands, his fingers moving instinctually towards a snap, then he lowered them again. Instead he turned around, and stalked down the hallway. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten what _either_ of you have done.” 

Greed was about to say something to that, but thought against it. He left the humans to whatever hell they were about to get themselves into. 

_You **will** catch up to them later, right?_ Ling said. The flat tone of his mental voice implied that he did not agree, at all, with Greed’s decision. 

_Of course. I can’t exactly lie to them, now, can I?_ Ling did not respond. _Oh come on kid! You don’t hear me bitching about Ninja Girl, do you?_

_That’s a completely different situation._

_Yeah, sure it is._

Let the kid complain; he’d get used to it. Besides, feeling Envy snuggled up against his neck, knowing he would be feeling her lips on his again soon enough … it was worth a little bit of silent treatment from the ‘roommate’. Greed had what he wanted, and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Envy lamenting she should have found Greed, a *lot* earlier, is partly what inspired me to write my new Brotherhood AU story, "Aegis of Eris", where Envy joins Greed and his Chimeras at the Devil's Nest, shortly after she leaves Liore. Go check it out!


	4. "Design"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pride's faith in his Father is rewarded when he is invited to see the inspiration for his latest sibling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I had the idea for this little mini-story after watching an episode of the PBS Youtube series, "Journey into the Microcosmos", and came to a revelation about what may have inspired our favourite little green monster. Check out that series, it, and the rest of PBS' Youtube collection, is amazing! Thanks to Shocotate for beta reading for me as well!

**Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood**

**Here be Dragons: Tales of the Homunculi**

by Violetlight

*************************************************************************************************************

**"Design"**

One of the things Pride did best, and did most frequently, was watch. Whether he was “playing house” with whatever human family Father had assigned him to, or out on a mission with his siblings, his focus was usually divided, processing the information coming in to him from his hundreds of shadow eyes, ever vigilant. Currently, several watched Lust as she supervised one of Central’s local alchemists, who seemed to be paying far more attention to her than to his work, as the array he was working with chose to explode. Several more kept tabs on Greed, who was visiting one of the seedier establishments in what the humans referred to as the “rough” part of town. He would have to remember to have yet another talk with his belligerent brother when he returned (and if said “talk” ended with Greed skewered through his nodes for a few hours, well, that was his fault). 

However, on this rare day, when his container could be down in the Lair beneath Central, Pride’s main attention was on his Father as he stood at his alchemical work table, hard at work. Pride’s boylike container perched on one of the pipes leading up to Father’s throne, his feet dangling off the side almost playfully. He was simply happy to be in his Father’s presence, an event that seemed ever less frequent as time marched ever forward towards the Promised Day, and more of his siblings were Created. 

It had been about fifteen years now since Greed’s creation. That meant Father had four out of his seven “sins” yet to incarnate into new homunculi. Pride idly wondered which new sibling would be formed next as he watched Father peer into a strange, lensed contraception on his table. Earlier that day, Father had ordered Pride to procure a sample of common tree moss, which he had placed on the small ledge under the contracption’s lens tube. Pride supposed it was similar to the device Father occasionally took outside to the countryside, beyond the lights of Central, to study the heavens. These devices, Pride knew, had been important scientific instruments from Xerxes, the country of Father’s birth, but had yet to be re-invented by the humans of Amestris. He had wondered what exactly the purpose behind the strange request, but reasoned to himself that if Father deemed it necessary, he would tell him. Pride’s place was to obey, not question, and, unlike his siblings, he, well, prided himself on never deviating from their parent’s expectations. 

Besides, obedience had its rewards.

As if sensing his son’s curiousity, Father looked up from his device and gestured towards his eldest child. “Pride, come take a look at this.”

“Yes, Father,” Pride happily hopped down from his perch, as eager as the child his container resembled. He was overjoyed as Father, in a rare moment of consideration, used his alchemy to make a small amount of the earth next to the table pile up, forming a “stool” so Pride could reach the eyepiece of the device. Pride climbed up gratefully, and peered into the lens. 

In amazement, Pride observed what could only be the moss, magnified hundreds of times, its tiny green filaments forming a miniature forest. “This is incredible, Father! Thank you so much for – what’s that?” Pride gasped, as a tiny _creature_ wandered into view. It was a roundish little thing, waddling along the moss on eight stubby legs, seeming to pick at its surroundings with a tube-like structure where a mouth would be on a larger animal. Amazed, Pride formed a shadowy tendril, giving it an eye, which examined the moss at normal magnification. Even with his superior homunculus vision, Pride could not see the creature at all on the moss, not even a speck, and yet, here it was, clear as day through the device. 

Pride turned his shadow-eye towards Father, and was happy to see a small, knowing smile gracing his creator’s face. 

“The little creature you see there, my son, is called a ‘tardigrade’, or sometimes a ‘moss piglet’ or ‘water bear’. I first learned about them in one of my Xerxian texts, and wanted to examine them for myself.”

“They are quite interesting,” Pride agreed, but he could not help but wonder just _why_ Father was studying the tiny creatures. What did this have to do with the Plan? As always, however, he kept his questions to himself. Of _course_ Father had his reasons. 

Again, Pride’s faith was rewarded.

“These little creatures are so much more than just interesting micro-animals. According to my book, they are master survivors. They can tolerate extremes of temperature, pressure, even radiation levels which would kill almost anything else. They can even survive being dehydrated, and will revive when exposed to water years or even decades after they go into the hibernative state. I am going to perform a series of experiments to test these claims, of course.” Father explained. He turned to a page in the book next to his viewing device, and showed Pride a diagram of one of the ‘tardigrades’. “It’s strange, such small creatures, so primitive, and yet they can survive conditions that would kill a human one hundred times over. And yet _they_ dare to presume that they are superior to all other life?”

“Humans are foolish, Father,” Pride affirmed.

“Indeed, my son. And the humans of Amestris will pay for their foolishness, just as those of Xerxes did,” Father said. “We homunculi, however, can learn much from these little creatures. Unnoticed by the world, yet able to survive anything it throws at them. Hmmm … unnoticed. Yes … I believe I may have an idea as to what one of your future siblings will be like.”

Pride peered again at the tardigrade, the small creature, greenish from the moss it grazed upon, just marching along on its eight legs, unnoticed by the world above, unless, like his wise Father, one took the time to see what others did not. Pride smiled, a grin that spread to his shadows, ecstatic for his Creator’s success. “I’m sure, Father, it will be, as always, something amazing.”

“Oh yes, Pride. It will be quite … _envious_.”


	5. "Chaos"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few years after Envy's creation, frustration sets in, as it has still not mastered shapeshifting to Pride's lofty standards. Pestering its siblings, however, is always a fun way to pass the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This little scene takes place a few years after Envy's Creation, and was supposed to be the first scene of the 9th Chapter of "Wheels Within Wheels", before I decided to go into a different direction (mostly because what came after put me in a state of writer's block for … geez! 7 years!) Anyway, I still think it's a valuable piece of writing, and helps to characterize the homunculi more. Waste not, want not!

**Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood**

**Here be Dragons: Tales of the Homunculi**

by Violetlight

************************************************************************************************************

**"Chaos"**

“Envy, what’s taking so long?”

“Almost done!”

“You said that fifteen minutes ago.” 

“Hey, you try shapeshifting on a military uniform! It’s not as easy as it looks!” Envy yelled back at its brother from one of the many bookcase alleys in Father’s Library. The sound of Pride’s toe tapping from the other side of the shelf did nothing to alleviate Envy’s frustration as it looked back and forth from the recruitment manual that lay open on a nearby table, to the full-length mirror that for reasons unknown Father had placed in this particular corner of the library. 

There were so many details to consider, from the colour of the uniform – a particular shade of blue halfway between navy and a more common dark, called, unhelpfully, “Amestrian Blue”, to the texture (and from going off just a picture, that was especially tricky), to every little brass button, buttonhole, differently coloured and shaped trims and insignias, to – Envy growled in frustration – pockets. It _hated_ pockets! Just the feeling of having a little baglike space warping its body – ugh! It felt so weird! And military uniforms had at least four of them!

“Envy!”

“Oh for Truth’s sake, Pride! Here!” Envy stalked around the bookcase, to where its annoyingly-impatient older brother was waiting. “Is _this_ to your satisfaction? I swear, if you tell me to change it again –”

Pride barely looked up from the huge (and no doubt boring) book the childlike homunculus had balanced on his lap as he perched on the footstool in front of Father’s favourite reading chair. “You got the rank insignia wrong again, _Warrant Officer_ Envy.”

“Agh! And what the hell’s wrong with a warrant officer anyway? That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Not as good as a captain, which is what your rank was supposed to have been, had you remembered the stars superimposed on the central stripe.” 

“Hey! I remembered the other two stripes this time. Give me some credit!”

Pride sighed exasperatedly, and put his book face down beside him on the footstool. “This is what? The third time you’ve got that detail wrong now? I’m beginning to think you’re doing this on purpose.”

“Why should it even matter?” Envy whined, enjoying the little twitch its tone of voice invoked in Pride. “All I see is Stupid Human Number One, Stupid Human Number Two –”

“What I see is a very stupid homunculus, if you don’t pay attention to what you’re doing!” Pride retorted. “Father demands perfection, and so do I. Change it again.”

“Aw, come on!”

“Now, Envy.” 

“Envy! So that’s where you’ve been hiding, you little maggot.” Envy turned its head towards the door at the sound of its other brother’s voice. Greed glared at him from the doorway to the library, his arms crossed. “Give them back. Now.”

Envy crossed its own arms. “And what the hell are _you_ nagging me about?”

“My sunglasses. Now.” Greed held out his hand expectantly.

Pride raised an eyebrow at his other, irritating brother. “You mean the ones on your face?”

“Not these ones!” Greed pushed the offending objects up the bridge of his nose, using his middle finger. “No, the ones that were in _my_ room, on _my_ desk, until somebody touched _my_ stuff!” 

“And you’re interrupting _my_ lesson for this stupidity?” Pride said calmly. “Nobody wants your useless junk, Greed. I’m surprised you can find anything in that mess you call a room.”

“Listen, you little geek, my stuff is not useless junk!” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call your stuff useless. I meant to say that _you_ were useless!”

Greed smirked, clearly enjoying the rise he was getting out of his older brother. He casually walked over to where the other two homunculi were standing, and plunked down in the chair sideways, his legs dangling over a chair arm, one hand propped against the back. “Oh, that’s rich, coming from someone who’s repeating the fourth grade for the umpteenth time!”

Pride’s mouth hung open for a second at Greed’s audacity, before his usually innocent-looking face twisted into a decidedly un-childlike scowl. **“For the last time, ‘umpteen’ is not a number, and get out of Father’s chair!”** his true voice echoed throughout the library with his rage. 

As entertaining as it was to watch its brothers argue, Envy knew an opening when it saw one. It morphed into an anaconda, and slithered out of the library, with Pride and Greed apparently not noticing, as insults continued to be hurled back and forth in the background. Once out in the hallway, Envy hiss-giggled, changed back to its “Beautiful Self”, and pulled Greed’s sunglasses out from the pocket it had made in its skort, putting them on. It may not have liked pockets, but it certainly could not deny their usefulness. 

“You little miscreant.”

“Oh, hey Lust,” Envy smiled at its sister fake-innocently, keeping up the act even as her eyes narrowed. “What? You know how boring Pride’s ‘classes’ are.”

Lust shook her head. “You didn’t know how long it would take Greed to miss his sunglasses, especially …” with that word, Lust smiled knowingly, “as we had just returned.”

“Yeah, I heard, well, for half a minute anyway.” Envy said, equally knowingly, enjoying the Lust’s frown at the reminder of the _short_ session of Greed’s “attentions”. 

Lust quickly composed herself. “Work on your timing, and you might actually accomplish something useful. Now, come with me. Father wants to see you.”

“Hey, Greed’s the one that sat in his chair, not me!”

“Just come on, Envy.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Envy mock-whined, and followed its sister down the tunnel to the main room of the Lair.


End file.
